Chapter 29. The dragon

Did I find clarity or did it actually find me? I still struggle with getting an answer for this even today. It’s puzzling how some things in life just come alive in your head. Either way, with it came conviction; and courage. That’s why I haven’t been here in a while. Why I haven’t been in my cave, safely, writing.

With this new sight, I decided to take a little stroll in the big outdoors. Get the blood pumping. Try something else for a change.

29 was about new experiences for me. It was mostly about learning and facing some of my fears.

I started swimming and became quite good at it in less than 4 months. I started going to the gym and boosted my core and my confidence, regardless of what any other people are saying. And I’ve had the courage to do many other countless bigger or smaller things that I never got around to do earlier in my life.

For that, I am grateful. And I speechlessly thank all of you who brought me here.

I think this was one of the most peaceful years in my life. And most focused. It is said that after the storm passes, you get a brief moment of silence. To patch your wounds and start again. And I think this was that moment for me.

I have a brief understanding of what the future might look like and a bit of a plan on how to get there. But still, i’M not sure about the beasts that might be coming my way and if I’m strong enough to face them all head on.

This year was about my goals. My pleasures. My happiness. So, am I happy now? I’m happier than a year ago, that’s for sure. Yet there’s still something inside that’s turning and swirling.

I moved with small steps, I was slow.

Got to get faster. Bolder. Less afraid.

My dream is to create something that can help others. Not to take part in creating it. Not to be a small wheel in the process. But to actually mold it with both of my hands and wits. And win people’s trust and hearts with it. If 29 was about finding clarity, 30 is about finding courage.

And with this courage I need to face the dragon. My dragon. Will I ever succeed? I don’t know. I might just end up back here, lost and broken.

But one thing is for sure: after you fix yourself, after you get the pleasures you want, what is there to do until you stop existing? Do you embrace what everybody does and follow the same cycle? Or do you man up and follow your dreams?

That’s such a cliche. Follow your dreams. The creator’s dilemma is, for me at least, finding the courage to stop. To refuse the easy way out. Even if that might seem exiciting and bold. The dragon always requests sacrifice, if you’re worthy enough to face it.

I see lots of people the same age as I am doing much more exciting things than I’m doing. And I want to do them too. I have the resources, I have now the courage and clarity. But question is: for how long? Do I really like what I’m getting myself into or do I do them just because there are so many others that get pleasure out of it? The hedonistic approach to life can go on for as long as you let it. But at the end of the game, are you happy? Or did you kill that part of yourself that screams: do more.

Life is exciting. The world is long and wide and full of adventures. The daily hours and challenges pass quickly. Money are made. Love strikes like thunder. Holidays come and go. New wrinkles find a warm place on your forehead. And mundane drama can fill you up. Would you regret such a life?

Are we ever willing to sacrifice more? Go that extra mile; for real this time? (Ah, the extra mile, another cliche – I got so common this year 🙂 )

In the end, this is my question mark.

Yes, I’ll be working on myself at 30. Yes, I’ll be also enjoying myself and learning new things. In hopes I don’t wake the dragon.

But what if I do?

 

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