Chapter 28. Clarity

It’s been more than one year since I wrote a post like this. And now I’m late at my own birthday. Damn! Lazy bones.

More than 365 days passed since I promised you and myself that I would write a clearer truth. That 28 would bring with it a better view on what I call my life and the life of others.

To be completely honest, I really didn’t believe in this promise. I just did it because it sounded good in my mind when I wrote it. But like the self proclaimed antihero of a standard B movie, I decided to keep it anyway. So here I am. Dropping the pretense of fancy wording. Making the text sound a bit clearer. A bit more structured and readable. Less of an enigma.

28 was a hard age for me. It scarred the very essence of my being by taking away someone really dear to me. Late autumn, on the 2nd of November morning, somewhere in Falticeni, in a green and white house a candle stood lit near a bed, watching over the fleeing soul of my grandpa.

I still miss him to this very day. But the thing I beat myself the most is that I was too proud and stupid to speak with him when I got the chance. My last chance. Before his disease, before all the medicine and tears. When he would understand what I said. Fully.

And that’s one of the biggest lessons 28 taught me: there are moments in life when you just need to do things; just drop any pretense, any fear and do them. Because you literally might not get a second chance to make them happen.

So I started working backwards. Against my self comfort. Against my primal inclinations. I allowed myself to take more risks. To bring a bit of chaos into my life. A bit of adventure. A sparkle of hope.

I moved out on my own. Finally. I started being more responsible. Facing the benefits and problems of living by myself.

I bought a PS4. I started paying for my gaming habits, with real, earned money. And it just feels great to be part of a community that contributes to something beautiful and creative.

I opened a YouTube channel and I learned how to make videos and reviews. I recorded myself and put my voice out there. Saying things. Babbling. Making mistakes. English in a Balkan accent. But I don’t care about that so much. Because first and foremost I like creating things to share. And I also like teaching and advising others.

I met a lot of new people, some that stuck, some that didn’t. But at the end of the day, I’m really happy to see that if you do good to others, someday you do get good things in return. And for those who didn’t have the patience to see this through, tough luck. This actually ties in to another lesson: time is becoming more and more precious as you grow because you feel more and more the pressure of your life; or rather the lack of it. So use that time on those who actually matter and get rid of whomever wastes it. It may sound harsh and it is. As much as it is healthy.

I bought a bike and I learned how to ride it all by myself. It was so freaking easy that I can’t even believe it. I tried many times before, but without any real conviction. This proves to me that if you put your mind to it and you exercise, everything is possible. You just need to have the courage to do it. Even when others look at you stumble and laugh.

I started drawing. I even got some really cool professional pencils as a present to fuel this wish. So I struggle now. With my imperfect lines and lack of time. But I want to get better at it. I need to get better. Why? Just because. It’s a wall that I see in front of me and I need to break it. I need to see it through as much as I can.

I still beat myself over not buying a guitar yet. I always wanted to learn how to play an instrument. Luckily I touched a piano several times before turning 29, so at least that’s a win.

And I have so much to build on my knowledge about the world. Because for a while now I stopped traveling. And I miss it so much. But I look at others and I get inspiration. I learned to drop my envy and feel empathy instead. Feel the happiness in that smile. From a photo, done far far away.

But I feel I’ve been speaking quite a lot about things and not people. So this last bit is for all of you who colored my 28. In bright colors or shades of gray. For the people I worked with, as well as those who don’t speak to me anymore. For the people I drank a beer with and those I never met in person. For the ones who made me happy or sad. And, of course, this one is for you. Yes, you! Because you really do make all this a lot better for me. More than that initial 0.0001% estimation 😀 .

So, famous last words: 28 was a mixed bag. In some days I really thought it was the worst, in others I just wanted to stay like that forever. And now that I have the clarity to see the wrong that I’ve done and fix it, I have also the hope that I’ve learned from my mistakes. And that when I’m thirty I will be able to tell you a happier truth.

P.S.: yeah, I’ve seen all of Game of Thrones too 😉

 

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